A New Kind of Honesty - Part I

Recently God has been teaching me a lot about honesty, openness, and truth. Then this morning, this is the chapter from a book I read (from "The Relationship Principles of Jesus")....

Groucho Marx once said, “The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.” That’s funny because it reveals our universal struggle with honesty. Most of us value honesty; we want honesty to be a part of our lives and relationships. Yet when it comes right down to it, we often find it easier to be dishonest. Whether a “little white lie” or a blatantly selfish deceit, we cave in to dishonesty because we’d rather not give the conversational time and energy it would take to be honest. Suppose you’re having a problem with a friend at work. He or she walks by your desk and says, “How are you doing today?” At that moment you have a choice. You can say, “Fine,” and the conversation is over. No time, no energy, no potential misunderstanding or blowup. Or you could choose to be honest: “Actually, there’s something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about. Do you have a few minutes at lunch?”

Here are a few of the honesty questions all of us must face: How many times last week did I give the “fine” answer? How many times did it just seem easier to not be honest? How many times did staying silent leave a relationship where it was when a moment of honesty could have deepened the relationship?

As I read through each conversation of Jesus and asked myself what I could learn about communication, the most striking lesson for me came in these two words: Be honest. Jesus’ conversations have a different kind of honesty than most of us ever practice or experience. Because Jesus wasn’t constrained by others’ opinions of him and his love wasn’t strained by selfishness, Jesus is refreshingly, strikingly, wonderfully honest.

Because he is honest, Jesus’ words are often surprising. He commends an enemy of his people for his “great faith” (Matthew 8:8-10), and he rebukes his own disciple Peter for his “little faith” (Matthew 14:28-31). He calls the Pharisees hypocrites and snakes (Matthew 23:29, 33), and then he prays, “Father, forgive them” (Luke 23:34). He rebuked his friends sternly, yet he taught them compassionately and loved them sacrificially.

Based on Matthew 16:21-23 “Jesus and his followers are warming themselves by a fire and talking about the future. The conversation is not going as the disciples had hoped. In the back of each of their minds, there have been growing thoughts of glory. As they’ve watched the miracles of Jesus and listened to his words, these men have become more and more convinced that he is the leader their nation has been waiting for. Jesus is headed for national glory, and they are going with him. He is the king they’ve been looking for, and they will rule with him. But Jesus isn’t talking about ruling; he is talking about suffering, about dying. And every one of those men felt deeply uncomfortable with what Jesus was saying. It didn’t fit their image of what should happen – it just felt wrong. Peter is the one who finally said it. Someone needed to set Jesus straight, and Peter was just the one to do it! So he called Jesus off to the side. “Never, Lord,” Peter said in a passionate whisper, just loud enough for the others to hear. “All this talk of dying – it’s just not going to happen to you.” Jesus turned to look Peter straight in the eye. In the brief pause before he spoke, it was obvious this was a supremely dramatic moment. Jesus uttered these unforgettably honest words: “Get behind me, Satan?! You are a stumbling block to me. You do not have in mind the concerns of God, but merely human concerns.”

A New Kind of Honesty - Part II

Wow! It’s hard to imagine a more scathing reply. As I studied the conversations of Jesus, I have to admit that more than once I felt a little uncomfortable. His words at times seemed harsh. He certainly didn’t appear to be overly concerned about protecting others’ feelings. This conversation with Peter stands as one of the starkest examples. Then I thought, “If there is a difference between the way that seems right to me and the example that Jesus gives – which should win out?” Should I listen more to my feelings and opinions on the subject, or should I pay greatest attention to the example of the Master of the universe and the Lord of life?

As I reflected on the words of Jesus, I realized that it’s a lot easier for me to be nice than to be honest. Honesty is a lot more work. It is the work of thinking through the right way to say something, of making sure my motives are pure, of talking through a difficult subject. It is the reality of facing my own anxieties – a beating heart and sweaty palms – when I take the risk to be honest.

But if we want our relationships to grow, honesty is nonnegotiable. When we are honest, we will always be “speaking the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15). Look at the work truth in that verse, and look also at love. It takes both – truth wrapped in love.

Truth without love doesn’t work. Some people use the truth like a weapon. They don’t’ tell the truth; they aim it. The truth sometimes hurts, but it doesn’t have to maim, kill, or destroy. As Paul urges, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs” (Ephesians 4:29).

On the other hand, love without truth is equally disastrous. Apart from honesty, any relationship will suffer from a lack of trust – and this lack of trust will cause great pain. It may be the loud pain of constant arguments or the quiet hurt of silence – but it will be painful. Apart from truth, trust will erode.

One of my greatest mistakes in the early years of marriage was being honest with Chaundel. It was only as I finally decided to speak the truth in love that we were able to have honest conversations that led to a deeper relationship. And I have to tell you, waiting to have this conversation didn’t make it any easier. Here’s a little free advice: When you know you need to have an honest conversation, have it now. It will never be any easier to have that conversation, and all of us have experienced the painful reality that waiting usually makes it much more difficult.

A man who was at the top of his game once approached Jesus, wanting to lean what it meant to follow Jesus. He is described as a rich young ruler. Think of the influence he could have on others – and he was interested in following Jesus! The disciples had to be salivating at the prospect of such an important man becoming one of their supporters.

While we might have been tempted to make the truth as palatable as possible for this powerful man, Jesus is content to simply be honest. “Good teacher,” the man says, and Jesus replies, “Why do you call me good? No one is good – except God alone” (Luke 18:18-19). Fancy words of flattery were immediately off-limits in this conversation. As they talk about God’s commandments, the ruler says, “All these I’ve kept since I was a boy.” Jesus honestly tells him, “You still lack one thing. Sell everything you have and give to the poor” (Luke 18:21-22). During his ministry, Jesus didn’t challenge any other person to sell everything before following him. This was the honest truth that this particular man at this particular time needed to hear.

The truth forces a momentous decision: accept or reject. This man rejected the truth. He walked away, shoulders slumping with sadness. Jesus did not chase after him. Even though his own disciples were left asking, “If this man couldn’t be saved, who then can be saved?” Jesus allowed the man to make the honest choice to say no.

If you communicate honestly, you will be rejected. Jesus himself – the one perfect human being – was rejected. Honesty sometimes brings the bitter pain of rejection. But it can also bring the amazing joy of acceptance. As you communicate honestly, you will invite yourself and others to refreshing life change through your words. Honesty is not for the faint of heart, because it is a risk – a risk well worth taking to open yourself up to a remarkable potential for change.

“Speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ.” Ephesians 4:15

Is there someone with whom I need to take the risk to have an honest conversation?

Unconditional Love - Part 1

Even though this post is going to be very long, I really wanted to share this. My sister and I had a great time together this afternoon (i.e. picnic lunch in a beautiful green, grassy meadow, and we played some soccer and talked). Then, while enjoying the beauty of God's creation, we read this chapter together.

Unconditional Love – Chapter 5 – “Grace” by Bob Lenz

The unconditional love of God: It’s more than a theology to be studied, more than a doctrine to be understood. It’s a subject that can’t fully be comprehended. It’s better than any romance movie. It’s what our hearts long for, that there is a person at the center of this truth, of this theology. A belief that He is also the creator of the universe and that He is, in reality, pursuing me. That makes my mind spin. Here is a collage of my thoughts and hopes, a collection of my internal conversations and spiritual interactions, hoping to allow my spirit and soul to encounter God’s love, moving beyond just theory, to experiencing it firsthand. I hope the same for you as you read it. I pray you come face to face with Him and His unconditional love.

Unconditional Love…

Too good to be true.

But it is. Only in fairy tales.

Not so.

What’s the catch?

None.

Beyond my wildest dreams.

But it’s in real life.

For others, but not me.

Called you by name.

Can’t be.

Is.

Won’t last.

Yes, forever.

What are the odds?

Sure thing.

What must I do?

Nothing.

A love without conditions.

No strings attached.

Known, understood, wanted, chosen,

Pursued, the apple of His eye!

His cherished possession.

His treasure.

Accepted for who I am.

Forgiven for what I’ve done.

Not wanted for what I have.

Not picked for my accomplishments.

Welcomed just as I am.

Not chosen because of my talents.

Embraced in my undeservedness.

Not His by my own doing.

Secure by His promise.

These words are mine because of

Unconditional love:

Free

Forgiveness

Gift

Justified

Grace

Salvation

Ransomed

Favor

Cherished

Redemption

Loving kindness

Faithful

Compassion

Unmerited

Undeserved

Generous

Thoughtfulness

Understanding

Helpful

Passionate

Sensitive

Unconditional love…

My goodness didn’t earn it!

My sinfulness cannot lose it!

Unconditional love…

My knowledge did not obtain it.

My foolishness couldn’t misplace it.

Unconditional love…

My desire didn’t possess it.

My carelessness can’t undo it.

Unconditional love…

My righteousness didn’t merit it.

My selfishness didn’t cancel it.

Unconditional love…

My prayer didn’t deserve it.

My lust didn’t nullify it.

Unconditional love…

My integrity didn’t secure it.

My wandering didn’t invalidate it.

Unconditional love…

My serving didn’t attain it.

My murderous thoughts couldn’t stop it.

Unconditional love…

My Bible reading didn’t acquire it.

My doubt didn’t withdraw it.

Unconditional love…

My religion didn’t reach it.

My idolatry didn’t restrain it.

Unconditional love…

My tithing didn’t buy it.

My jealousy didn’t negate it.

Unconditional love…

My obedience could not obtain it.

My anger did not repress it.

Unconditional love…

My kindness did not win it.

My drunkenness did not destroy it.

Unconditional love…

My self control did not reach it.

My fornication and adultery did not cancel it.

Unconditional love…

My church attendance wasn’t payment for it.

My absence didn’t dispose of it.

Unconditional love…

My commitments didn’t warrant it.

My divorce didn’t annul it.

Unconditional love…

My contentment didn’t coax it.

My anxieties didn’t scare it away.

Unconditional love…

My meditation couldn’t realize it.

My strife didn’t interrupt it.

Unconditional love…

My vows didn’t justify it.

My shame could not hide it.

Unconditional love…

My best cannot deserve it.

My worst has not, and will not destroy His love for me.

I am unconditionally loved…period.

Case closed!

Verdict given!

It is finished!

Over.

Done deal.

Irreversible.

No appeals!

Proclaimed as fact!

Loved…

Accepted…

Forgiven…

Forever!

Unconditionally loved?

Yes.

Face it!

Deal with it!

Reject it if you will, but that doesn’t change the fact…

You are loved.

By faith, receive it.

Believe it.

Count on it.

By faith, cling to it.

Repeat it.

Proclaim it.

Trust it.

Enjoy it.

By faith, sing of it.

Dance because of it.

Shout it!

Let that truth of love free you!

Fill you!

Forgive you!

Let it empower you,

Enrich you.

Encourage you!

Let it help you,

Hold you,

Give you hope!

Unconditional love…

There is nothing quite like unconditional love. Once I tasted it, nothing could ever satisfy me again…as if it ever really satisfied me before. At times I thought I felt satisfied, well at least in part. But it never lasted; it was only a partial, temporary fulfillment. You know? Like…

From the respect of recognition…to the accomplishment.

From the commendation of conquest…to the pride of possessions.

All fades in importance when I’m searching for what matters most.

All the things of earth grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace…

Unconditional love.

It comes down to relationships. Relationships are what matter, what count.

From fun fellowship, to the depth of friendship.

From the heart of a parent, to the bond of siblings.

From daily companionship, to the intimacy of lovers in marriage.

Relationships, for all they were meant to be and mean to us, even at their best are only a shadow, a fraction, an imperfect, tainted replica of what is meant to be with HIM. At it’s best…our hearts really long for, were designed for, and will only be fulfilled with…unconditional love.

But then, I need to be realistic and return to earth where I live. To me, even an imperfect, tainted replica of real love is more than I ever allow myself to dream of, or fantasize about, much less hope or long for.

Leave that to the young and foolish, the writers of fiction. Or, to be perfectly honest, leave it to the few, the brave, the chosen, the Jones’, or…the delusional.

For what was meant to be in relationships in my life is not only imperfect, but it’s broken into pieces beyond recognition to the natural eye. Dreams shattered into slivers so small no one by any condition would deem worthy,or of value, or of any dignity. Who would want what I have?

Yet I can’t face this reality. I can’t handle this.

The lack of purpose. The lack of meaning!

There must be more – more to this life.

Is this what it’s all about?

The search intensifies. I must find something, some ONE.

The hunger grown sand my pace is accelerated out of a need to belong.

My thirst is exaggerated to where my wants are mixed up with my need, and my life becomes busier and busier in pursuit of the American Dream of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

I’ve never had so much, yet felt so depleted.

Never have I been so surrounded by so many people and felt so alone.

Never have I had so much to do, yet felt so little sense of contentment.

The vain pursuit of accomplishment and possessions make me cry out as a leech, crying for more…

More!

The wages of sin is…more!

Because it’s never enough.

SIN equals Still In Need

Never satisfied.

Void.

Emptiness.

Lack.

Vacuum.

Nothingness…

These are the words that now describe my soul, my being.

I’m reduced to just a human doing. My wants now own me.

I’m an apprentice to the Trumps of society, only to leave us both bankrupt once again with my cry for “luck to be a lady tonight” going unanswered yet again.

Yet I hear society cheering me on…

“Don’t give up!”

“Believe in yourself.”

“You can do it!”

“Stay positive.”

“Determination.”

“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.”

So I muster up all I have left that resembles hope…a little more guarded, protected, cautious. I call it wisdom from the school of hard knocks.

If I were honest…

I’d call it desperate.

Now I live in a fantasy of the future saying,

This time it will work…

This person is different.

This church.

This job.

This marriage.

This pregnancy.

This town.

This friendship.

In search of peace, hope, love.

Unconditional Love - Part 2

I dull my senses with comforts, thrills, and romantic stimulation.

Thus the market for more…

Romance novels

Time shares

Bigger homes

Vacation/cruises

Promotions

Cars

Theme parks

Internet

Video games

iPods

Learn in your sleep

Add an inch

Lose weight

Renew your sex life

Yet with the law of diminishing return, few find the feeling of home, the unconditional love their hearts are looking for. Why would I be any different?

The result?

The soul no longer feels its worth.

Hopelessness has taken up residence.

Struggle and survival are now the only signs of life.

Some would insist that this isn’t life at all.

It’s just existence.

Now instead of living life to the fullest, I just endure another day.

Learning how to settle for less, I betray my original design and desire. I sell out. I give in. I succumb to the weariness within and the pressure without.

Denial is my only comfort. Escape is my only solitude. Harmony is left to the orchestra, and not for my inner being. I have become one with my universe and the confusion now spins me round and round the sun, but I feel no warmer.

All I can now call a feeling is anger.

I feel cheated, deceived, ripped off!

Contempt changes direction toward others…human-kind, organized religion, politics, my parents, my wife, and then…myself.

I’m not good enough.

I deserve this.

Finally, my anger is directed at God…

How could a God of love let this happen?

Is it chance?

Maybe there is no God.

But even the whining grows old and I become numb.

I’m growing hard, dying from the inside.

Depression, a sense of darkness, now looms over the emptiness.

Helplessness screams for release but finds nothing inside of me that can make things better.

It only insists there’s no way out.

Worthlessness now personified takes on a personality of its own, mocking me for ever thinking things could have been different for me – me, of all people.

It flashes my mistakes over and over in my mind, stripping me of any last feeling of a remnant of value.

“Why even care,” whispers a newcomer.

Worthlessness introduces her friend…

Apathy.

“I’ll take it from here,” she says in a vague and eerie voice. “There’s no need for you to do a thing. It wouldn’t matter anyway. You’re finished. Everything they said to you was true. They were right, so don’t forget what they said.” So, with a belittling voice filled with insults and put downs, the old sayings come back and never seem to end, going over and over in my head…

You knew better.

What were you thinking?

You idiot!

I told you that you would never amount to anything.

Way to screw up again.

Did you really think someone would want you?

Loser.

You’re pathetic.

You disgust me.

I told you you’d never be as good as your brother.

I didn’t expect any more of you.

You are such a disappointment.

You’re a waste of space.

I don’t even know who you are!

I told you…I told you!

You’ll never learn.

Don’t even talk to me.

How could you?

Look what you’ve done.

I hope you’re happy now.

Silence. (Neglect)

It’s your own fault.

What did you expect?

You’re no ordinary dummy.

Don’t touch me.

Get away from me!

Shut up. I don’t even want to hear it.

Excuses, excuses, excuses.

Now I’ve heard it all.

What next?

Did you think nobody would find out?

How stupid can you be?

That’s what you get.

I hope it hurts.

You made your bed, now sleep in it.

You’re only getting what you’ve got coming.

You fool.

You’re good for nothing.

You’re a piece of work.

You would ever love you?

What am I going to do with you?

You’re giving me a headache.

You’re like a pebble in my shoe.

I’m not even going to waste my time with you.

To me, you don’t even exist.

I warned you.

I told you she was no good.

It figures.Why do I even get my hopes up?

You’re nothing but a piece of trash.

You stink.

Your own mom doesn’t want you.

It would have been better if you were never born.

I wish I would never have met you.

Can’t you do anything right

You’re an accident waiting to happen.

Did I ask for your opinion?

You’re getting on my nerves.

It’s your own fault.

You’re only getting what you had coming.

You were an accident.

You’re not my kid.

Go play in traffic.

Shame on you.

I hate you.

I didn’t know they piled crap so high.

You’re just a failure.

Pack your bags.

You’re out of here!

Don’t ever come back.

I never want to see you again.

I feel sorry for your family.

You’re an embarrassment to everyone you know.

Don’t you have a decent bone in your whole body?

Go tell someone who cares.

You’re morally bankrupt.

You’re sick!

You’re just plain evil.

You’re a poor excuse for a person.

Ha, ha, ha, ha…

Look at you…

Na, na, na, na…

I want a divorce.

It’s over!

There’s someone else.

I don’t love you anymore.

You’re not worth it.

You’re boring.

You’re ugly.

You’re not good enough.

We picked someone else.

You’re fired.

We’re downsizing.

We don’t need your services anymore.

Beat it.

You blew it.

I don’t care.

Voices, voices, and more voices affirm my feelings of worthlessness.

Ever been there? I have. Maybe you’re there right now. You’re not alone. Countless people have been there.

Uncondiontal love…Change is impossible on our own. Righteousness is impossible on our own. Merit is impossible on our own. Holiness is impossible on our own. Salvation is impossible on our own.

“With people it is impossible, but not with God; for all things are possible with God.” Mark 10:27 (NASB)

Because of…

Jesus.

More than a teacher,

More than an example,

More than a man…

He is Emmanuel.

God with us.

The Savior of the world.

The world!

That includes you and me.

Evidence of grace in a believer’s life is…

Gratitude.

God did for me what I didn’t deserve and what I couldn’t and still can’t do for myself.

When I heard that Good News for myself, when I heard His word, it was saying to me personally, “You are loved beyond your wildest dreams; even in spite of your lack of hope.”

When I heard it was real, my heart flickered.

When I knew my goodness didn’t merit it and my sinfulness couldn’t prevent it, my heart ignited!

Like a thrill of hope…a weary heart rejoices.

You, too, will fall on your knees when you hear it, really hear it.

And your heart will beat as if for the first time. New life.

Humanly, I can’t even fathom that this is true.

But somehow I believe…

That’s faith! Beyond me – outside myself.

More than normal – above the natural – a sense of wonder.

My spirit breathes its first breath.

A ray of light, a sign of life – real life.

A sense of, “Could this be?” It is.

Authentic, genuine…unconditional love.

My soul cries out as a newborn…

“Yes! Yes! This is what I’ve been waiting and longing for!

What I was made for.

Created for.

Designed for. Just this…

Relationship.

It’s like someone breathed new life into me.

Awakened me from a deep sleep.

Rescued me from an enemy.

Raised me from my deadness.

Called me into a new story.

Beckoned me to come on a new journey.

Softened and molded my hard lump of clay.

Wrote a new ending to the play of my life.

Painted a different backdrop and called me His masterpiece.

He called me His beloved.

Chosen.

Precious.

How could this be? Yet I somehow am driven to, almost made to…

You see?

It’s irresistible…

I believe.

I believe!

I know my failures, yet I stand forgiven.

I know my past, yet I have a future.

I know I don’t deserve it, but it’s assured.

I know my depravity, yet He’s given me dignity.

I know my weakness, yet sense a strength.

I know my shortcomings,yet feel complete.

I have a reason, a purpose, and at the same time, a peace and a rest. I belong.

Yet, I am called to action.

I know it’s OK to just be, to be the me I was meant to be.

My value is not in who I am, but whose I am.

And why?

Not because of what I’ve done, or not done, but because of who He is and what He’s done.

He’s has made a way to enter into a relationship with Him – the God of the universe.

God is love, and He created me to share in that love. I was designed to bring glory to God by enjoying Him forever.

Starting now.

Knowing His love alone brings fulfillment, peace, worth, value, joy, lasting hope.

Knowing Him is life, for He is the one true God.

The only way to obtain that relationship is through what He did by loving me unconditionally through His Son, Jesus.

Unconditionally loved?

Yes.